An interesting dilemma.

When does something become contaminated?

Dictionary.com has this to say on the subject of contamination.

con·tam·i·nate
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Audio Help /v. kənˈtæməˌneɪt; n., adj. kənˈtæmənɪt, -ˌneɪt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[v. kuhn-tam-uh-neyt; n., adj. kuhn-tam-uh-nit, -neyt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation verb, -nat·ed, -nat·ing, noun, adjective
–verb (used with object)
1.
to make impure or unsuitable by contact or mixture with something unclean, bad, etc.: to contaminate a lake with sewage.
2.
to render harmful or unusable by adding radioactive material to: to contaminate a laboratory. –noun
3.
something that contaminates or carries contamination; contaminant. –adjective
4.
Obsolete. contaminated


I worry now that the bubble in which my Blog exists falls under heading 4. Ironically, its the very fact that people are reading it that may hamper my own honesty. Honesty has been an integral part of keeping an online blog and its never something I shy away from. I am, however, concerned that the knowledge that its being read may in some way influence what I choose to document.
It raises questions i've been wondering about since just before christmas. Should I retain my true nature or strive to fit the criteria that others seem to live by? Do I retain my core values and stand as an anachronism in today's world and remain truly the person I am, or should I forego them in order to be what people expect?
More to the point, what is it that's expected of me? Have people come to accept who I am or do they, like i sometimes feel, suspect that I'm the last of a dying breed.
My principles in the past have robbed me of opportunities I wish i'd taken. I sometimes wonder if they're worth adhering to, if i lived more like my friends then i'd be out behaving in a fashion more befitting my age...but i don't think i'd be me, and that's something that worries me. I don't need to be super-honest to show that.

My week this week has been comparitively straightforward. I can't seem to shift the unassailable feelings of unhappiness that seem to have nested in my head for the time being. My band caused me a great amount of upset by being inconsistent, unreliable and disappointing for the most part, but this was tempered by a day hanging out with my best friend, then a day hanging out with another of my closest friends as well as a surreptitious viewing of The Dark Knight, under the radar, and it was incredible.

Tomorrow i'm playing with the guys and knocking together some rough demos for the forthcoming Fifty Caliber Smile EP which should be ok providing we're punctual and get practiced, then its off to the cinema for my second Dark Knight of the week. That's going to be pretty cool.

I feel i made it through this entry without having to compromise on what's going on inside my head. There are those close to me who have an imperceptible sensation of unhappiness and can't quite put their finger on the cause. I sometimes feel that my strength lies in my ability to read such situations...yet sometimes, i know all too well that the cause is elusive.

I think I shall stick by the statement I made earlier today regarding the best way to get to the real me. Reading my thoughts on the page is one thing...but seeing them as they form, stumbling off the end of my tongue is like bottled lightning, only the barest of thought, the slightest of connection. Not to say i don't think before i speak, but its the guaranteed way to catch the things that are on my mind before they've been through the filter.

If I had to choose somebody for people to see in a situation where I had no fear, it would be the real me...most of the others are pale imitations.

Long dark lunchtime of the soul (plus love crumbs and a sainsbury's bag for life)

I'm not prone to using my blog as an outlet for ruminations and musings on the human condition. Cleverer men than I have their own soapboxes for that and I don't feel compelled to compete with them. The past few days, however, some things which are more specific to me have arisen in my head and the people I have tried to articulate them towards have been unable to yield any answers. Putting things down in a fixed medium will at least preserve the ideas for a little while, hopefully without sounding overly pretensious or self involved.

What got me thinking about the way we behave as people and more particularly, how that pattern affects me and my place within it, was Kill Bill. Genre spanning ultra violent revenge epic Kill Bill, made me think about human nature. It might not seem like the most relevant work for considering human behaviour in a realistic way, but one tiny notion from it was enough for me to draw a parallel.

Last night, I felt that I really ought to spend a little more time with my brother. In a couple of months, I won't be living here anymore, and despite our differences, there's some things we have in common. A love of things that are "cool" being one of them, and I felt it imperative to his education that he see Kill Bill. Starting Volume One after one in the morning and winding up nearer 5 with the conclusion of Volume Two, we pulled an all nighter watching graphic kung fu, ultra over the top violence and revenge.

As The Bride's bloody vendetta draws towards a close, she must face Bill in a final showdown. In order to locate the erudite assassin, she must obtain his whereabouts from mexican pimp and sometime father figure to the titular rogue, Esteban Vihaio. It is with little hesitation that Esteban divests himself of the knowledge of Bill's whereabouts, despite being keenly aware of just why Uma Thurman's Bride wishes to find him. The Bride herself raises this issue with Esteban, who responds that Bill would want her to know where he is, despite her agenda, in order to see her again.

Now this to me, says a lot for the way people invariably behave. Often it seems, we bear in mind just how destructive and potentially serious the consequences of our actions are...and then disregard them, because we place more importance on what we derive from them in the interim. No matter how deadly The Bride's visit may be for Bill, he still wants to see her.
I think that's something we all do to a degree, we forego the potential repercussions of our actions because the actions leading up to the fallout are rewarding enough in their own right. Ordinarily, i'm the first person to consider the outcome of the way I behave. In fact, this in itself has been a source of consternation for me this week as Its usually one of the key principles that governs my behaviour but lately has become far more elastic.
The idea of me that people seem to have is in keeping with this, but suddenly I feel that my newfound lack of regard for consequence is being held against me. In fairness, its contradictory to how I usually go about things, but for once I'm letting myself do what I want without my brain getting in the way too much.

In thinking about what rewards this attitude afforded me this week, I was able to see somebody I know who I hadn't seen for a long time...at least in the sense that its been a long time since they were really themselves with me. I mean, i've seen them look vulnerable and in need of late but its been a long time since i saw their actual smile instead of the one they hide behind with everybody else. Had I spared a thought for the consequences of my actions, then that wouldn't have happened. Sometimes I'm curious as to whether or not the outcome outweighs the possible repercussions.

As for the next set of consequences, I'm not sure what to do. I'm not even sure what my next set of actions are going to be. It may be I need to find a way to reconcile the best way to be myself with a more laid back approach to what happens in my day to day life. I may just take each situation as it presents itself, try not to think about it too much and do my best to be myself in the lead-up.

Another question : Is that so bad?

Banana Log

This week's been pretty busy. Almost busy enough to warrant a blog...
I last posted on monday and have since been...questioned as to whether or not a fairly significant drama can be effectively summarised with one sentence. A good friend of mine usually summarises such differences of opinion with the helpful axiom "The End." I guess the lesson i've learned this week is that no matter how many times you try to walk away from a problem, it can't just be dropped and disregarded. Even though i've repeatedly tried to find a resolution, there seems to be another spanner in the works shortly afterwards. Is it better to reach an amicable solution or just bury your head in the sand if one can't be established? Can things just be "made" ok through attitude alone?

Fortunately, i had enough good banter with friends this week to divert my attention away from the activities in my own head. I also distracted myself with the task of making somebody smile which i feel, pending the word of its successful execution, might just work. I'm crafty like that.

Tuesday some new ideas were demofied for Kirstyn Knowles' next EP upon which i will be laying guitar parts which is a source of joy and excitement. Similarly, last night a meeting was held with Kirstyn Knowles bandmate and producer of excellence Garry Boyle in order to book studio time next month to start work on the next Fifty Caliber Smile EP. Looks like all systems are a-go when it comes to making of music. So hey, at least there's that.

Speaking of, tonight and tomorrow i'm guesting on guitar with John Reynolds in his guise as "Bird Of Prey" at Henry's and GRV/Green room, whatever the fuck they're calling it now in the cowgate, respectively. His music is all about honest songwriting and is hugely good. Worth a look on myspace for certain. Maybe if you're around you'll catch us!

Word of my craftiness and activities over the weekend will reach your eyes next week.

Updatings

Its been a healthy age since I last posted a blog. In the interim, i have had some outstanding evenings and some good times indeed. My internal sense of time has been skewed by a biometric metacrisis so i shall just recap some of the highlights, like match of the day, but of my life. Match of my life. But no football.

I had an awesome time a couple of weeks ago when I took in classic rock inspired band Stone Gods at Cabaret Voltaire in Edinburgh. I attended with one of my more rock minded colleagues, Tony and managed to use some of my outstanding blagging skills to wangle my way backstage. I left with a signed setlist and my pass. Nicely done if i do say so myself. I'm an unashamed fan of classic rock and anything that's got a beefy riff so it was an ace evening. As i write this i'm giving their debut album its first listen and so far its delivering on my 70s rock fetish.

On the level of my personal life, i managed to bury the hatchet with a girl who has caused me a healthy dose of stress in the past 10 months. I managed to gain some perspective on the complexities or lack thereof of my problems by taking a trip up north to visit two of my closest friends, Kiera and Grant, last weekend. Drinking was done, banter was had and i was reminded in short order of the kind of people that matter to me. The people who i place the most value on are those that understand me and accept me without question and i'm fortunate to have those two at the top of the list and people back here in edinburgh who manage to fit the bill in K and G's absence. For a variety of reasons though, i can't wait to go back up to see those guys.

Fifty Caliber Smile, after the calamatous loss of niall's fingertip, have regrouped and started writing and rehearsing again with the aim to get back on a stage sometime soon. Similarly, work on the new Kirstyn Knowles EP was earnestly begun last week with demos being laid down for 4 of the proposed 5 tracks and some ideas floating about to tackle some new material.

All in all, things could be a lot worse right now. I just can't wait to get into my flat, get into town and actually get back making music again. I feel like people aren't quite seeing the best of what i have to offer yet.

All in good time though...for i am the destroyer of worlds

Tentative completion.

So yesterday, I submitted the remainder of my coursework that I had outstanding. It mostly took the shape of work for two subjects, composition and Electronic Music Sequencing, two of the elements of my course that I have little time for. In truth, i prefer composition but neither subject has much of the organic musicianship that I like. This past couple of weeks has been a period of frenetic activity, desperately striving to get things finished and it really took a lot out of me.
It looks like most of that work was pretty much pointless. 2 days this week i made plans that fell through AFTER I'd left the house to fulfill my social obligations. Tonight i was meant to be going out with my college friends. Turns out that too many of them have too much to do. So fuck that. I won't be leaving the house save for work and band related activities for a while.

Oh, except i'm going up north later this month to see kiera and grant, my best friend and her mantoy so that I can take some time out from the grim scenario I find myself in.

Roll on christmas.

Indiana Caliber Smile and the Quest For The Missing Fingertip

What a week.





I've learned a valuable lesson this week about the perils of tempting fate by making bold and outrageous statements such as "I'm Happy With My Life Right Now" because guaranteed some entity will decide that this is not acceptable. Therefore they shall cosmically intervene and render me stressed out in the extreme.

In fairness, there's people in my life who are worse off than me right now and my college compatriots are all just as swamped as I, so I do feel churlish complaining, however, I can't help but feel like the past few days bore an inordinate volume of stress making factors.

Since last I posted, i have been rather busy and some nifty and not so nifty things have occured.

In the nifty column are 2 gigs with Fifty Caliber Smile, one at the Bongo Club a couple of thursdays ago and one last Wednesday at The Ark. The Bongo club gig was a weird one as i played with the FCS guys at 8:30 and then played a completely different kind of set at 9:30 with my college band, The Stellar Groovetones. It was a good night all round with 2 strong performances, both of which i thoroughly enjoyed.

Also nifty was the fact that Kiera, my long suffering companion in time and space was in edinburgh for the day last wednesday and muchos good banter was had. We repaired to my friend Emma's cafe for a spot of breakfast and some chat and caught up on the happenings since she was last in my neck of the woods. It was to her that i claimed that i was happy and unfortunately she was not the only one listening.

On thursday last week, I was given the frighteners by one of our tutors at college who informed us that we only have until the 13th of June to complete and submit the remainder of our coursework. Fucking bugger! Way too much to do, not nearly enough time to get it done. Stress factor number one.

This was exacerbated (fancy word) in the evening by a phone call from Fifty Caliber Smile frontman exclaiming that he had, in fact, sliced a healthy sample from the end of a fretting finger, effectively putting our career on hold for a month. Another example of shitting bugger syndrome. Stress fact number two.

Number three? the phone provider orange failing to correctly show when my account is balanced correctly and sending me a bill for TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY POUNDS. Pretty fucking ironic considering they sent me a phone a couple of months ago that barely stays switched on long enough to actually make a phone call. Absolutely ridiculous. I managed to talk it down to near enough 100 bucks, however, that's a lot of money when you actually have none.

So these factors are strong reasons behind me feeling abit wiped out. The workload is heavy, but i have plenty to look forward to and keep me busy in the coming weeks i feel. Trying to be positive and upbeat and manage things in my own time. Smells like a winner. I'll probably write a bit more sometime soon when i have something halfway interesting to report. Roll on summer!

A week in review

Strikes and gutters man, strikes and gutters. More or less an accurate assessment of how my week panned out.

Remember i was meant to go and be at Alton Towers on tuesday? Aye, well the bus broke down at 5 in the morning just outside of carlisle. 2 and a half hours waiting outside of the bus in a layby while an engineer was dispatched to perform repairs. He was able to patch the bus up enough to get us to the services at carlisle and then there was the 3 hour wait for a replacement coach. Of course, by the time a replacement coach was dispatched, there was no point in making the trip to Alton Towers and so we came back. An absolute write-off of a day. Some salvage was made when we returned to Edinburgh as myself, Jim and Kirst, two of my close friends, took a bit of a wander around town, had a couple of drinks and dinner together then went and got ice cream. Sometimes all it takes to make a day better is the company and banter of a couple of good people, something i'm all too aware of.

Wednesday was largely spent catching up on sleep and taking it easy. My good friend rebecca came round and much Doctor Who and Peep Show was watched.

Thursday brought with it a last minute slot at a college gig for two of my bands, my main band Fifty Caliber Smile and my college outfit The Stellar Groovetones. A milestone in that i performed two sets (that both went smoothly) with two seperate bands and also failed to generate my token spikey hair. I think i looked mildly presentable despite this lack of grooming.

Speaking of gigs, some photographic work from the gigs at the weekend are now up and about online care of Stef Pryke, an absolutely outstanding photographer whose work is definitely worth a look...