I'm not prone to using my blog as an outlet for ruminations and musings on the human condition. Cleverer men than I have their own soapboxes for that and I don't feel compelled to compete with them. The past few days, however, some things which are more specific to me have arisen in my head and the people I have tried to articulate them towards have been unable to yield any answers. Putting things down in a fixed medium will at least preserve the ideas for a little while, hopefully without sounding overly pretensious or self involved.
What got me thinking about the way we behave as people and more particularly, how that pattern affects me and my place within it, was Kill Bill. Genre spanning ultra violent revenge epic Kill Bill, made me think about human nature. It might not seem like the most relevant work for considering human behaviour in a realistic way, but one tiny notion from it was enough for me to draw a parallel.
Last night, I felt that I really ought to spend a little more time with my brother. In a couple of months, I won't be living here anymore, and despite our differences, there's some things we have in common. A love of things that are "cool" being one of them, and I felt it imperative to his education that he see Kill Bill. Starting Volume One after one in the morning and winding up nearer 5 with the conclusion of Volume Two, we pulled an all nighter watching graphic kung fu, ultra over the top violence and revenge.
As The Bride's bloody vendetta draws towards a close, she must face Bill in a final showdown. In order to locate the erudite assassin, she must obtain his whereabouts from mexican pimp and sometime father figure to the titular rogue, Esteban Vihaio. It is with little hesitation that Esteban divests himself of the knowledge of Bill's whereabouts, despite being keenly aware of just why Uma Thurman's Bride wishes to find him. The Bride herself raises this issue with Esteban, who responds that Bill would want her to know where he is, despite her agenda, in order to see her again.
Now this to me, says a lot for the way people invariably behave. Often it seems, we bear in mind just how destructive and potentially serious the consequences of our actions are...and then disregard them, because we place more importance on what we derive from them in the interim. No matter how deadly The Bride's visit may be for Bill, he still wants to see her.
I think that's something we all do to a degree, we forego the potential repercussions of our actions because the actions leading up to the fallout are rewarding enough in their own right. Ordinarily, i'm the first person to consider the outcome of the way I behave. In fact, this in itself has been a source of consternation for me this week as Its usually one of the key principles that governs my behaviour but lately has become far more elastic.
The idea of me that people seem to have is in keeping with this, but suddenly I feel that my newfound lack of regard for consequence is being held against me. In fairness, its contradictory to how I usually go about things, but for once I'm letting myself do what I want without my brain getting in the way too much.
In thinking about what rewards this attitude afforded me this week, I was able to see somebody I know who I hadn't seen for a long time...at least in the sense that its been a long time since they were really themselves with me. I mean, i've seen them look vulnerable and in need of late but its been a long time since i saw their actual smile instead of the one they hide behind with everybody else. Had I spared a thought for the consequences of my actions, then that wouldn't have happened. Sometimes I'm curious as to whether or not the outcome outweighs the possible repercussions.
As for the next set of consequences, I'm not sure what to do. I'm not even sure what my next set of actions are going to be. It may be I need to find a way to reconcile the best way to be myself with a more laid back approach to what happens in my day to day life. I may just take each situation as it presents itself, try not to think about it too much and do my best to be myself in the lead-up.
Another question : Is that so bad?
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