An interesting dilemma.

When does something become contaminated?

Dictionary.com has this to say on the subject of contamination.

con·tam·i·nate
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Audio Help /v. kənˈtæməˌneɪt; n., adj. kənˈtæmənɪt, -ˌneɪt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[v. kuhn-tam-uh-neyt; n., adj. kuhn-tam-uh-nit, -neyt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation verb, -nat·ed, -nat·ing, noun, adjective
–verb (used with object)
1.
to make impure or unsuitable by contact or mixture with something unclean, bad, etc.: to contaminate a lake with sewage.
2.
to render harmful or unusable by adding radioactive material to: to contaminate a laboratory. –noun
3.
something that contaminates or carries contamination; contaminant. –adjective
4.
Obsolete. contaminated


I worry now that the bubble in which my Blog exists falls under heading 4. Ironically, its the very fact that people are reading it that may hamper my own honesty. Honesty has been an integral part of keeping an online blog and its never something I shy away from. I am, however, concerned that the knowledge that its being read may in some way influence what I choose to document.
It raises questions i've been wondering about since just before christmas. Should I retain my true nature or strive to fit the criteria that others seem to live by? Do I retain my core values and stand as an anachronism in today's world and remain truly the person I am, or should I forego them in order to be what people expect?
More to the point, what is it that's expected of me? Have people come to accept who I am or do they, like i sometimes feel, suspect that I'm the last of a dying breed.
My principles in the past have robbed me of opportunities I wish i'd taken. I sometimes wonder if they're worth adhering to, if i lived more like my friends then i'd be out behaving in a fashion more befitting my age...but i don't think i'd be me, and that's something that worries me. I don't need to be super-honest to show that.

My week this week has been comparitively straightforward. I can't seem to shift the unassailable feelings of unhappiness that seem to have nested in my head for the time being. My band caused me a great amount of upset by being inconsistent, unreliable and disappointing for the most part, but this was tempered by a day hanging out with my best friend, then a day hanging out with another of my closest friends as well as a surreptitious viewing of The Dark Knight, under the radar, and it was incredible.

Tomorrow i'm playing with the guys and knocking together some rough demos for the forthcoming Fifty Caliber Smile EP which should be ok providing we're punctual and get practiced, then its off to the cinema for my second Dark Knight of the week. That's going to be pretty cool.

I feel i made it through this entry without having to compromise on what's going on inside my head. There are those close to me who have an imperceptible sensation of unhappiness and can't quite put their finger on the cause. I sometimes feel that my strength lies in my ability to read such situations...yet sometimes, i know all too well that the cause is elusive.

I think I shall stick by the statement I made earlier today regarding the best way to get to the real me. Reading my thoughts on the page is one thing...but seeing them as they form, stumbling off the end of my tongue is like bottled lightning, only the barest of thought, the slightest of connection. Not to say i don't think before i speak, but its the guaranteed way to catch the things that are on my mind before they've been through the filter.

If I had to choose somebody for people to see in a situation where I had no fear, it would be the real me...most of the others are pale imitations.